[by Mikhail Kostylev]

Just yesterday, I was young and naive: I would mock the excesses in my articles woke, without realizing that I too would soon be the victim of a terrible social injustice. One dark morning, in my mirror, I saw that age had come… and all my hair gone.

Yes, what more? discriminant than being bald? Discrimination multifactorial moreover: to the components financial (less shampoo, but more soap), relational (always go flirting without a hair) and even politician cultural (risk of coming across as a provincial fascist, when you think you're the new Yul Brynner).

All this contributes to the marginalization and stigmatization bald people: what I explained at a meeting of the Observatory of Decolonialism, adding very reasonable demands: hair disability compensation, strict parity between hairy and hairless people within the editorial staff, organization of a No-Hair Pride…

And there I understood the extent of the prejudice I was a victim of: they all started sniggering like hunchbacks. It's okay for Yana Grinshpun, that class enemy who always looks like she's just come from the hairdresser: but when I saw Jean Szlamowicz laughing his head off, I knew that chauvophobia internalized, she too, was wreaking havoc.

So I slammed the door and founded with other eggheads the LPCG+: League of Bald, Hairless and Similar People. An immense task awaited us: convincing 13% of the French that they are a underprivileged minority, in great need ofequality (The bald rights) and especially full-time professional political representatives (us).

We have opted for operation in chosen non-mixedness… but tolerant: razors would be provided to hairy people who wanted to register. Some people were opposed to this, however, on the grounds that those with shaved heads “would not be truly bald”: I immediately denounced this concept biologizing baldness and called the security service to have them educates.

These " radbald » are of a " unheard of verbal violence "I cried into Slate's microphone, while my activists were happily beating them up in the backyard. It was the beginning of a beautiful story: all the media woke, charmed, began to relay our actions. When Thomas Messias accused the combs of being " toxiques ", I knew I had a strong ally in the place.

A few generous subsidies from the Grenoble town hall later ("against prejudices, Promoting bald visibility in Isère "), I was ready to attempt the Everest of the association president deconstructed : obtain the right to intervene in primary schools.

The material was already ready: " Chauvism, the scourge of the schoolyard "" Baldness or not, in CM2, everyone is equal ! " Enzo, 8 years old, nothing on the skull, everything in the head ". A filthy reactionary press campaign claims that bald schoolchildren do not exist or almost do not exist. So what does that prove? Before the interventions of Family Planning, trans schoolchildren did not exist either!

My request was still rejected: furious, I rushed to rue de Grenelle. The Minister insisted on apologizing in person: he remains " It is difficult to approach ethno-hair discrimination with nuance. ", the " concept of chauvinism remaining very sensitive " because of this horrible republican left (he pronounces "estrêmedrouate") which still dares to haunt National Education.

But we will soon be rid of it, the Minister promised me. All we have to do is repeat the three lucky words: nuance/reasoned/moderate » four times per line, and the most Woke reforms are a no-brainer for the complacent Macronie. "Try again in 2023, Mr. Kostylev! You'll see, radical propaganda for children is like the baccalaureate: easier every year!"

As a consolation prize, he gave me two VIP seats: not at the Parc des Princes, at the Dilcrah, but it was nice nonetheless. Remotivated, I went to follow one of Caroline de Haas' famous "buzz lessons". The next day, in an angry tweet, I accused all French women, without exception, of rejecting bald men.

Instant media success! And when thousands of angry women posted the photo of their balding boyfriend, I didn't even have to apologize - just retort that it was the usual #NotAllWoman, a chauvinistic denial typical of a sick society.

I drove the point home with " We must exclude hair from our life » – and I caused a scandal at Hanouna’s, by refusing to share the stage with Franck Provost: “No tolerance for capillary exploiters!”That same evening, hair salons were stoned all over Paris: except for Afros of course, "so as not to penalize a population that is already stigmatized."

These " protests generally peaceful " (Libé) made me a prominent political figure. I was exultant... and then I visited the Gender Institute, and I was ashamed of my amateurism. Micha, I said to myself, you really are a loser. In this game, in ten years, what will you have won? Three European fundings and a position as a columnist at France Inter?

Drop the " chauvophobia » ! What you need is « hairiness » : a real one structural discrimination, like the pros. No need to look for culprits: all the hairy ones, by virtue of their hair privilege, mechanically become oppressors from whom you can demand continual apologies and money for the Cause.

If they balk, it's " hair fragility » – and you can get even more out of them! Or demand the implementation in every public service of « Equal referents "...recruited primarily from among your activists. Effortless entryism, and with guaranteed employment!

And above all, a promising academic career opens up before you. No more uncertain activism, make way for respectable sociology of diversity on public funds. Okay, the salaries are low, but since you only have to copy the content of your leaflets, it's free money: why refuse?

I therefore chose as my thesis subject “ Rasta-queer, the making of chauvinism in post-apartheid Jamaica "...and suddenly obtained four funding: in Black studies, decolonial studies, gender studies and addictology. So that was theintersectionality ? I appreciated it, and so did my banker.

The defense was stormy. I had naively forgotten to situate my point of view, which the jury reproached me for. Bald and the son of a bald man, I certainly benefited from a capillo-proletarian ancestry impeccable. But I was as white as a Russian: did I have the right to study a black society? At the last second, I invented an improbable Sudanese great-uncle who had come to get lost in Kharkov – and I got my doctorate, by a hair.

My professors were nevertheless happy: for once, the Liard lecture hall housed real social science, not those nauseating symposia on wokeism who by the way does not exist (but still managed to break two ministers). They even agreed to write the preface for my next book " The Capillocene "I blame the obsession with hair for destroying the biosphere, sinking the Titanic, breaking the Soissons vase and causing the Covid pandemic.

Conspiracy? No, theory ! The difference is that it is written in inclusive language.. Infamous world bristling with prejudices, beware of my vengeful scissors!